Why There Should Be No More Threats at Kids

Giving your child threats, warnings and promises of consequences does not work in the long term. It is a shortcut that actually cuts off your child’s desire to listen to you in the first place. So, today I want to cover why there should be no more threats at kids.

Parenting can be a very hard job and one that is unique to every single family. No two kids or parents are exactly the same. We all have different experiences that are coloring the way we interact with others. The combination of those experiences with strong emotional ties to one’s children can make a parenting relationship go off the rails very quickly. Particularly if you have a child who would be considered strong-willed.  It might seem like a quick and easy solution to throw out a threat every now and then. But even if the first time you threaten your kids with a consequence they listen, you need to realize it is not going to be a long-term solution. 

An Example of a Threat

Have you ever seen a child on the floor in the grocery store unwilling to get up and go with their parents who haven’t bought them an item they wanted? It’s not an uncommon occurrence.  In fact, I’ve seen some form of this play out many times in my life. It’s always the same. The child is upset, the mom doesn’t want to give in and wants to go. 

She starts to threaten to leave the child there if they don’t get up right away. Then when the child continues to resist, the parent begins to say things like, “Okay, that’s it. I’m leaving. You’ll be here all by yourself. Better get up now.” They may even walk around a corner to convince the child that they might leave.

If the child doesn’t decide to succumb to the threat, though, that parent is ultimately not going to follow through. They will come back and will either pick the child up and leave with them or give in to some degree and give the child what they want. 

Threats vs Consequences

Why do parents use threats with their children? How can I convince you there should be no more threats at kids? Threats are promises of negative consequences and act as more of a warning. When we threaten a consequence it is because we would rather not have to follow through with that consequence. We hope the threat will stop the negative behavior. 

The first time parents do this, it likely works. Because it works, it acts as a reinforcer to the parent, making them more likely to use threats again in the future. However, this outcome is not one that can continue long-term. Children begin to understand you don’t actually want to follow through and will start to not respond to the threat to see if you are actually willing. In that case you’ll have to either reluctantly follow through or give in to your child – neither of which you’d likely prefer to do.

Why Warnings Don’t Work

For many years I’ve instructed parents to avoid giving warnings as part of their parenting plans.  The reason is, if you are willing to give a child 3 warnings before you follow through with a consequence, it won’t be long before your child learns to ignore you 2 to 3 times before finally listening or giving in. With every warning you give that doesn’t get responded to correctly, you as a parent become slightly more frustrated and angry. Your ability to make rash decisions and follow through with fair consequences begins to dwindle. 

No More Threats at Kids – Follow Through

So, rather than giving your child threats or warnings of possible consequences, I urge you to live by the rule – say it one time as an instruction and then after that, follow through with a consequence you believe will be meaningful but that you are not adverse to using. 

If I threaten to spank my child, I better be willing to spank them.  If I threaten to ground my child for a month, I better be willing to do that as well.  And because I know that there is little to no meaningful benefit in spankings and long term punishments, but lots of potential negative outcomes related to them, I would never want to threaten these sorts of things. 

If I give an instruction using expectation language such as, “I want,” “I need,” or “it’s time to,” there will be some form of consequence based on my child’s reaction. The one instruction should be all a child needs. If I give that instruction the right way at the right time, under the right motivation and I’m in control of a child’s most motivating things, there is a good chance that the child will decide to quickly listen to me the first time. If they don’t, I do not benefit either of us if I don’t follow through with a meaningful consequence. The only way they will know that ignoring or refusing my important instructions is a bad idea is if I am willing to follow that with meaningful consequences. 

Identify the Right Consequences Up Front

The real secret here is to identify the types of consequences that you are willing to follow through with.  Ones that you know are fair and should have the desired effect.  In my teaching, we recommend negative reduction techniques. The refusal to give or the removal of reinforcement after the behavior we don’t want to continue to see. It might mean taking away their phone, toy, or turning off the tv. You could send them out of the room where the activity is taking place as an immediate consequence. However, I also teach that these consequences should be mini-consequences. They should be small in nature and the child can undo them easily with better behavior choices that deserve positive consequences. 

If you have already identified the types of consequences you are willing to use and are comfortable with, you won’t hesitate to use them whenever they are needed. You won’t feel the need to avoid using them by threatening or warning the child. 

Conclusion

Remember, nothing good comes from threats or warnings. We should all be striving for no more threats at kids. Giving a warning to your child begets having to give more warnings and threats only lead to frustration and distrust. It’s always better to say what you mean and mean what you say when working with your child. Following the Just 7 Steps approach makes it easy to understand and follow all of the important parenting principles that will make your child want to engage with you. 

If you feel like you want to know more about this sort of approach to parenting, I would recommend you check out my free workshop called, “How to Get Your Kids to Listen without Raising Your Voice or Nagging.” It’s less than an hour long and it is a great source of information for parents trying to get the most out of their relationships with their kids.