Why Kids Always Push Your Buttons
Did you know that one of the top searched terms by parents on the internet is “Why kids always push your buttons?” Apparently, this is a question that parents ask themselves and Siri, Alexa and Google quite a bit. So, today on the blog, we will talk about why kids always push your buttons.
What Kids Always Pushing Your Buttons Looks Like
What does someone mean when they ask why kids always push your buttons? Generally, this means, how do kids find your sensitive spots and push on them until you have to react.
For the most part, parents try to stay calm and keep an upbeat and happy attitude with their kids, but sometimes it feels like if you have a soft spot or a sensitive issue or area, kids are innate in their ability to find it and exploit it. And once you have shown them what your buttons are, they become more and more likely to push those buttons on a regular basis. So, I’m going to answer the question, Why Kids Always Push Your Buttons and then I’m going to get into what it is you can do to change this.
Why Kids Always Push Your Buttons
The reason why kids always push your buttons is simple. It’s because it works. That’s it. They push your most sensitive areas because it works in helping them get what they want.
Maybe they are not getting the attention from you that they want. Well, if they can find that thing you don’t like, such as jumping on the bed and they do it, they know you will not be able to avoid giving them your attention. Maybe you don’t want to give them something they want but they know you can’t stand to see them cry. So, crying becomes a more valuable behavior and kids become more and more likely to cry in these situations.
If your child can cry all they want, or jump on the bed, or even talk back to you, perhaps you don’t respond. But if you live in an apartment building and the one thing you can’t handle is when they get too loud for the neighbors, then whenever your child is not happy with their situation, and they are looking for a way to get you to respond, or change your tune, the best thing they can do is get loud enough to disturb the neighbors forcing you to react.
I worked with one little boy who was diagnosed with autism Spectrum disorders who would grab his mom’s bossom whenever she was out in public talking with people and he wanted to go. It was a button he discovered that almost every time caused her to end the conversation and attend to him giving him what he wanted.
The Remedy to Kids Always Pushing Your Buttons
So, if the answer to the question “Why kids always push your buttons” is because it works, then what is the remedy?
Well, the remedy involves no longer allowing it to work. I know that sounds like it is a lot harder to do than to say, and you may be right, but it is the actual path to progress you need. As long as you have a button or soft spot that your child knows exists, and that you will react to, they will have every reason to push that button when they are not getting their way and they want to bring you to their level of dissatisfaction.
Reinforce the Good Behavior
The only way to not get your buttons pushed is to disconnect the wiring and not let the button connect to your reactions anymore. For example, if the kids are jumping on the bed because that is the thing you always respond to, you have to do three things. You have to find ways to reinforce behavior they choose instead of jumping on the bed. You have to not allow jumping on the bed to get you to react emotionally or with any unnecessary attention and possibly you will need to add a simple consequence that involves little hassle or effort on your part in implementing that your child will find unsupportive of their goals. In other words, something they would rather avoid. Maybe a removal of a toy or opportunity for a short period of time.
Don’t Give In to Your Kid’s Behavior
If your child is trying to get you to give in by crying, you have to be able and willing to reinforce your child with more and better when they are able to overcome their desire to cry in these situations where they are truly not hurt or sad but instead just not getting what they want. Then again, you have to not give in and give them what they want even though they are crying and avoid giving them too much of a reason to think it is affecting you emotionally. Finally, if you feel it is appropriate or necessary, you can also add an additional consequence as above.
The 3-Step Process
If you analyze the advice for these two specific situations, you will see the answer comes in three parts. First, preemptive reinforcement for making good choices or avoiding the behavior that normally gets used to push your buttons. Second, ignoring the button pushing and not allowing it to affect you emotionally or with additional attention. Finally, if appropriate, or necessary, adding a consequence of some sort of reduction of availability of reinforcement as a response to the behavior making it less likely to continue. If you are going to continue to respond to your child when they push your buttons you will be continuing to reinforce button pushing behavior. This is why you are seeing it so much right now.
Whenever I go into a home to work with a family, I can usually tell pretty quickly what each parent’s buttons are. It is usually the first thing the child goes to when they are unhappy and not getting what they want. It might be a child who climbs all over dad because he hates that, but whimpers and climbs under a blanket and cries for mom because she can’t stand to see that. The bottom line is, the only way to avoid button pushing is to not react to the behavior when it happens.
Need More Support?
There is actually a lot more that you can do and if you consider all the thousands of behavioral principles and program recommendations out there, it can become overwhelming for a parent. So, I’ve used my 20+ years of experience in the field to help break down behavioral education in the most important and encompassing 7 principles of behavior. The Just 7 Steps approach truly offers a parent everything they need to know to completely reimagine the relationship they have with their kids and to teach their kids how and why cooperation is ultimately in their best interest.
Right now, I’m offering an introductory free workshop called “How to Get Your Kids to Listen without Raising Your Voice or Nagging”. If you are concerned with the way your children are learning to deal with authority figures in their lives, you should click here for the workshop and start the process of finding your family’s path to progress. No family is perfect, but you can get the clarity and confidence you need to connect with, understand and guide your child through the 7 Steps to Instructional Motivation.
The Bottom Line
The truth is, the only way to stop button pushing is to disconnect that button from your reactions and to stop reinforcing it. To help you do this, you will need to be able to reinforce alternative choices and the ability your child shows to avoid the button pushing, refuse to respond to or give any power to the button when it is pushed and if need be, add a consequence that shows the child the value of pushing that button is not only no longer there, but there is actual an opportunity cost to continuing to push it.
And don’t forget to check out the free workshop, “How to Get your Child to Listen without Raising your Voice or Nagging”, for more support.
