3 Parenting Tips that Harm Your Children 

Maybe it’s because of the field I’m in, but it seems like everyone is looking for parenting tips. If you’re not careful, you can find yourself getting parenting tips that harm your children. Nobody wants to harm their kids with harsh parenting practices. We’re all looking for ways to build better relationships and also get our needs met as parents. So what happens when the bad parenting tips you receive are actually hurting your child?  

You can find advice for just about anything on the internet these days. Long before the internet you could get these same tips from friends and family or the local bookstore. Unfortunately, not all advice is going to be good and not everyone offering advice is truly qualified to do so. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve seen parenting advice coming from people who have no education or experience beyond that of raising their own children.  

How to Know You’ll Get Good Advice from Me

Sure, being a parent is helpful in understanding the daily struggles and some of the trials and tribulations of parenting. But does it really make you an expert? I have two daughters, both of whom I count as my experience raising kids. In addition to these two young typically developing girls, I have also directly worked with thousands of children with just about every possible diagnosis out there. I have a master’s degree in Special Education, have worked as a certified teacher, and passed advanced coursework and a written test to become a Board Certified Behavior Analyst. This certification requires that I maintain a high level of continuing education as well regarding the latest research and ethical concerns. 

Parenting Tips that Harm Your Children

All of this gives me a unique perspective that allows me to filter my advice through a large body of research and experience. I can’t imagine if I was trying to advise people on parenting based on just my own experiences with Zoey and Laney or even if I was trying to advise people based on just my experience with the first 100 kids I’ve worked with. Beyond an expert’s qualifications, what is more concerning is the types of advice that sometimes gets shared. So today, I’m going to share my top 3 parenting tips that harm your children. 

1. Avoid Using Reinforcement

The first of the 3 parenting tips that harm your children that I want to share today is a tip I hear all the time. It’s to avoid using reinforcement. When someone recommends that you avoid using reinforcement, they may not know what reinforcement truly is. My guess is that by saying to avoid reinforcement what they mean is to avoid making bribes up front before getting a behavior. However, reinforcement can only happen after a behavior and not before. Bribes, deals, and promises are not the same as reinforcement.  

Something is only described as a reinforcer because it increases behavior. Therefore, anything at all that happens after a behavior that increases that behavior in the future is a reinforcer.  So, it is impossible to not use reinforcement. Any behavior that is happening more and more is being reinforced, you just may not be in control of it.

When people say to not use reinforcement they may also be saying to not use any external reinforcement and instead opt for a more intrinsic option. The problem here is that much of the behavior you want your child to engage in doesn’t offer meaningful intrinsic reinforcement. This can often lead to negative reinforcement.  

Negative reinforcement is something I strongly recommend against. Sometimes when people do not want to give a child a reward for doing a behavior, they instead choose to nag or raise their voice at the child. When they stop being an annoyance to the child that becomes a reinforcement for negative behavior.

2. Don’t Ever Punish Your Kids

The second of the parenting tips that harm your children is to not punish them at all.  Similar to reinforcement, part of this comes from a misunderstanding of what the term punishment means. If what this person actually means is don’t hit, yell at, embarrass, or lock your child in a closet, then yes, this would be good advice. But, when you say don’t punish your kids, you are behaviorally rejecting a ton of reactions to behavior that might not only be helpful but even necessary in some situations. When someone says don’t punish your child, it usually means not to focus on the negatives and to try to talk to them and evoke in them a desire to do better through reason.  

For so many children, growing up without any form of limit setting or boundaries is damaging to their ability to successfully navigate the social world. I know children who have grown up in a “consequence free” household where behavior is never punished in any form. The parents try to talk their children into making better choices but more often than not, these children grow up without a healthy understanding of social consequences. They struggle in the outside world.

For example, if your child were to bop another child on the head and take their toy, would you consider it inappropriate to take that toy back and give it to the child who was bopped?  If so, you would technically be using a form of punishment. 

You can’t teach most children to make better choices without some combination of reinforcement for making the better choices and some form of boundary related to negative choices they might make.   

3. Spanking or Paddling a Child

The 3rd and final one of my parenting tips that harm your children relates to spanking or paddling a child. This is likely the parenting tip that is most likely to do harm to an individual child. Although we need to become gifted at knowing how and when to reinforce and even offer limits to behavior, there is never a need or benefit to hitting a child that outweighs the possible negative effects hitting can cause. 

It has become quite clear in all recent research that children who are hit by their parents are more likely to lash out physically against others and more likely to distance themselves from their parents. The last thing you want to do to your child is teach them that violence is an acceptable response to not getting your needs met in a loving relationship.

Now, I do understand that some children are more challenging than others and it may be harder to find meaningful consequences for some children that help to set limits. But if you have resorted to hitting, you have given up on building a more positive reciprocal parenting relationship and determined that physical dominance is all you have to work with. It’s only a matter of time before your physical threats no longer work or your child decides they don’t want to be around you. 

There is a reason that physical violence even loving spankings are outlawed in many countries. They are not a necessary tool and should not be a part of what you do as a parent.  

Conclusion

Please remember that understanding reinforcement and reduction procedures is an important part of becoming a better, more consistent parent to your children. If you want to know more about these principles and how they can help you, come check out my free workshop called How to Get Your Kids To Listen Without Raising Your Voice or Nagging.