3 Tips for When Your Children Can’t Stop Fighting

Do your children fight about every little thing? Whether you have boys, girls or some of each, it is not uncommon for kids to get into arguments and fights. So, let’s talk about some really simple things you can do when your children can’t stop fighting.

3 Tips for When Your Children Can’t Stop Fighting

I have two daughters. Even though I’ve raised my kids with the Just 7 Steps approach to parenting, my kids will still fight with each other.  We’ve all heard slamming doors, stomping feet, and “I hate you” directed at siblings. This is a natural thing to occur. But we can still limit or reduce fighting. Follow these 3 tips and I’m confident you will start to see less bickering and fighting immediately.

Tip 1: Make a Blanket Rule

The first tip for when your children can’t stop fighting is to make a blanket rule. “If I hear you fighting over something, no matter what it is, you will both lose access to [insert item] for a period of time to be determined.” This rule is designed to be hard and fast. It is designed to give your kids a strong motivation to try to work things out. Without turning to bickering and yelling at each other. When they know that any argument will lead to a loss of an item for both kids, they will try to work together to stop this from happening.  

Whether we are talking about 3 year olds fighting over a toy or teens fighting over an article of clothing, if they fight, they both lose it. This is an important rule to maintain. You should follow through daily. 

Now, how long do they lose it? Might one lose it for longer than the other?  Sure, if you are able to calmly discuss with them what happened and determine that one was wrong and one was right, you can have that discussion and you can return the item to the one who was right earlier if you like. But you should still maintain the policy that if you fight you both lose.

Tip 2: Help Your Kids Cool Down

The second tip for when your children can’t stop fighting is to help them  to cool down when they fight. You can do this with an activity that takes the punch out of the moment. When my girls would get into a fight about something, especially if it didn’t involve something I could just take away as in tip one, I would announce that because they can’t get along, they can’t be in the same room with each other and I would send them both to their rooms. The instruction is they had to stay there in their rooms until they could both be in a room together without arguing or fighting. If they come out of their rooms and the argument starts again, back to their room they both go.  

I have even had fun at times making them both wear a peace shirt. This was something I chose to do because I knew my girls couldn’t stay angry if they were being put into a ridiculous situation. Like wearing the same shirt. This might not always be a great choice for you. But depending on their age and the level of the argument, this might be a fun way to dissipate angry feelings and turn them into silliness and laughter.  I can’t tell you the number of times I asked my girls if I needed to bring out the peace shirt for them to both immediately say, “no dad, we got this.”.

Tip 3: Develop a Token Plan

The final tip for when children can’t stop fighting is to develop a token plan. This is for families who are dealing with children who just do not at all get along. A token plan allows children to earn a strong meaningful reinforcer. This reinforcer could be a chance to go to a special restaurant or to a family movie night.  It could also involve permission to sleep over at a friend’s house. Or getting a treat from the store. Whatever you pick, it should be something that your kids both say would be worth it to try to avoid fighting with each other.  

Then, depending on how often your kids are fighting, you set up a way for them to earn this reinforcement by first earning tokens. If they fight multiple times per day, maybe you have to check in 3 or 4 times a day. Each check in is a chance to earn a token if they have not fought. Maybe you check in once after lunch and again before bed for an opportunity for 2 tokens per day.  

If expecting no fights is too much to ask for right now, start by offering a token for 2 or less arguments during the day and a second token for no fights at all, so even if they have a slip up there is still something they can earn.   

Finally, determine how many tokens they would need to get their prize and only give them their prize when they’ve had enough days or parts of days without fighting. Then adjust and repeat as they become better and better about controlling their fighting behavior. 

Conclusion

As always, these are just a few basic tips for a specific issue I’m asked a lot about. If your children can’t stop fighting then these tips will likely help you.  But, if you ever want to know more about how you can use a proven parenting approach like the Just 7 Steps System, check out our workshop called “How to Get your Kids to Listen without Raising Your Voice or Nagging” for free!