Why Is It That My Child Won’t Respect Me?
One of the biggest questions in parenting – particularly from fathers – is “why is it that my child won’t respect me?” Respect is a big question in parenting.
People are always worried about the term respect when it comes to their kids. Everyone has an opinion on what having the respect of their children means and how it should be gained. Some of these ideas are certainly more progressive than others. So, what is respect and how do you earn it? If you find yourself asking “why is it my child won’t respect me?” Pay attention because I’ve got some insights for you.
What Is Respect?
Respect is defined as having a deep feeling of admiration for someone or something based on their abilities, qualities or achievements. It also includes having a due regard for their feelings, wishes and rights.
If you feel that your children don’t have feelings of admiration for you based on your abilities, qualities or achievements and/or they don’t have a due regard for your feelings, wishes and rights, then you can likely say, your child doesn’t respect you. But, you can’t say that your child won’t respect you. It just means they don’t currently have that level of admiration or due regard.
Show Respect to Your Children
So, how do we get that from them? Well, the truth of the matter is, the most foolproof way to get respect from someone is to give respect to them. Before I start to get into what you can do to earn their respect, you have to ask yourself if you are consistently showing them admiration for their abilities, qualities, and achievements. Also, do you show a due regard for their feelings, wishes and rights?
At first blush you might answer: of course I do. But, really think about it. Do you notice their good behavior or things they are good at? You have to show them you see all of their wonderful qualities and achievements. Don’t just assume they just know you feel that way.
Consider their feelings or wishes when making decisions about their lives. Don’t immediately demand from them whatever you find most important or needed in the moment. Your kids as true individual humans. Not merely extensions of you. If you are not 100% sure you are showing your child respect, this is certainly the first place to start.
Share Yourself with Your Children
Next, you have to determine if you are showing enough of your qualities, abilities, and achievements so that they can develop those important feelings of admiration for you as well. Are you good at games, sports, cards, or building things? Have your kids ever seen you do what you are good at? Spend time making their lives better by sharing your gifts with them.
Develop Trust with Your Children
If you’re one of those people grumbling “my child won’t respect me,” you should probably look at how trustworthy you are. Do you generally say what you mean and mean what you say? Can you be trusted to follow through on what you promise them? This can be as simple as not telling them “maybe” as an answer when you really mean “no.” If you tell your child they can have something, make sure you do the work in order to get it for them. Also, model the actions you want to see in your kids. If you don’t want them to do something – don’t do it yourself!
Teach Your Children that Behaviors Have Consequences
And finally, when it is needed, offer fair but compassionate consequences for behavior that you don’t want to continue to see. I’m a big fan of letting the consequence do the talking. I don’t like adding negative consequences but I’m not against removing positive ones that aren’t being earned. So, when you see behavior that is not respectful to you, can you stay positive and offer a meaningful consequence that has the potential to reduce their use of that behavior in the future? This is a much better alternative to getting mad and yelling at your kids for a poor behavior.
Conclusion
Respect in parenting is an important topic and the best way to understand it is to look at its definition. Everything I suggest here that might be getting in the way of your development of respect from your kids is available to you as part of the Just 7 Steps approach to parenting.
So remember, if you have been wondering “why is it my child won’t respect me?” The first thing you have to do is look at yourself. Are you earning their respect? The best way to earn respect is to give it. Then show them your value on a regular basis and give them someone to respect. Say what you mean and mean what you say daily. And finally, offer fair and compassionate consequences when they are called for.
If you want more information on this and other important topics in parenting, join me for an hour long workshop called “How to Get your Kids to Listen without Raising your Voice or Nagging.”
